Wrestling

Yesterday at 5.30am I let go of my dad. He had suffered during his struggle with serious illness in the last 3 months, caused by severe stroke. I was not ready to let him go and I am left wrestling with a multitude of questions and feelings. Dare I say I am wrestling with God? Why did God let my dad suffer so much? Why did God not answer my prayers? Or I suppose, more accurately, why did God not answer my prayers in the way I wanted him to – that God would heal him at least enough so he could come home to mum and I? Where has dad gone? I so want to believe that the new creation, the new heaven and new earth is a truth we have to look forward to. But where does that leave us if it isn’t? I want to see my dad again and to enjoy being with him once more. I lost, not only my dad, a kind, caring and gentle man but also my best friend.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed with anger, which took me somewhat by surprise. I am like my dad in some ways and one of those is being slow to get angry, so this feeling was new and frightening. The last time I felt this full of rage was in 1996 in a refugee camp in Tanzania but I might write about that another day. I was angry with God for not healing my dad and allowing him to through this suffering. I was angry about some inconsistencies in his treatment which makes me wonder if they contributed to his suffering and affected his quality of life in the last few weeks. Could his life have been prolonged? Could he have had a better quality of life? Who knows.
Yesterday I let go and was angry. Today I am empty.